Brett Goldstein’s Six Things To Distract You From Naughty Things Online

Brett Goldstein
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Put your internet connection to better use, thanks to Uncle Brett...

Brett Goldstein Contains Scenes Of An Adult Nature is coming to the Soho Theatre from 3 to 8 March. It’s a great bit of storytelling from the easy-to-like comic - more on the show here - rummaging over his juvenile adventures and why he’s clicked off internet porn. But what are you supposed to do next? 
So you’ve heard about my show, Brett Goldstein Contains Scenes Of An Adult Nature, and made the sensible decision to give up online pornography. Well done. You’ve done the right thing. But what now? What is the point of having a computer anymore? What else can the ‘‘Internet’’ be used for? Why bother having all this bloody wifi anyway?
Did you know, the ‘‘Internet’’ can be used for things other than porn? No? Well here are a list of six things you can do with the ‘‘Internet’’. 


Email is a device that is like sending a letter but without all the bit where you have to go to a post office and get a stamp and find a post office and have to wait and misunderstand what price stamp you are supposed to get depending on the size of your letter. Imagine how much quicker you can bond with your French pen pal now you can do it instantaneously. You’ll have to learn French quicker though! Ha ha ha.


Where else can you think pithy, pointless thoughts and share them with the world? That’s right - on the streets. But what if you’re scared of the outside world. That’s where Twitter comes in. Twitter answers the philosophical question: If you think a whimsical thought and express it in 140 characters and send it out into the world and no one retweets it, did you really think it?


Want to see what all your friends’ lives would look like if they each hired a PR company to present it in a way that would always make you feel depressed about your own? Then Facebook is the place for you.



Now you are no longer entering terms like ‘bumbells’ into the search engine, why not try finally answering those questions that have kept you awake at night such as, “what the fuck does the cat stand for in Inside Llewyn Davis” and “why did the writers of Lost never work out how to end the show in a way that made any kind of sense. I mean they had six years to think of something. Six years!?!” All these and more can be found on The Googles.


Now you’ve stopped watching videos of women be degraded, why not turn your attention to YouTube where you can watch videos of men and women being hurt or see cats falling out of trees or old clips from Jim’ll Fix It, where you can see if there were any clues at all…

Other people

Throw away your ‘Internet’, and try having conversations with people whilst looking into their eyes. Don’t freak out. Yes it is intense but you also might ‘feel’ something. Don’t worry if your instinct is to run away. Start off by carrying round a frame to hold in front of people’s faces to make them appear as if from behind a screen. That should ease you into it.  Good luck. 
And remember, a life without porn is easy. Cavemen used to do it! Sure the murder rate was much higher back then, but they also had dinosaurs! Wouldn’t you rather live with dinosaurs? Yeah!!!
Brett Goldstein
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