The inaugural chat show host-off: Eleanor Conway vs Tom Allen

That's them above, in what we've accidentally Photoshopped to look like a Coronation Street promo shot. Anyway, enough waffle: CHAT SHOW HOST OFF TIME. 

 

Eleanor Conway: He's going down.  He's one of my guests on December 1st and I am going to throw him to the lions.

Tom Allen: <after having what trash talk is explained to him> I don't know anything about trash talking.  You mean, like, yo momma? That's it, that's all I've got. I'm not a very aggressive person. 

WINNER: Well, Eleanor, obviously. 

 

EC: We have a rocking chair, to rock our guests to a calm state of being so we can rip them about and find out all their juicy gossip.

TA: I'm doing it in association with the Comedy Cafe so they are looking after our guests. So there'll be lots of booze. It's important to make sure guests have a nice time; if they get intimidated and feel they might be exposed, then that's no good. They have to feel like they're among friends. And then you expose them. 

WINNER: similar approaches. Eleanor wins for not slipping in a plug.

 

EC: Give them all blowjobs. Even the girls, I'll give head, to get my audience on my side.

TA: I might talk to some people in the audience. I like chatting with them, putting them at ease and getting them in to the moment. Lots of live comedy events it's about the shared experience. Then once we've broken through, you bring on the guests. What I like about chat shows is there's constant change of rhythm, with bringing people on stage, audience interaction, and so on. (SSP: Eleanor said they'd all get blowjobs.) But there's not enough time for that. Maybe she's really good at it. I always make sure I take them out for dinner first, that's why it takes so long. I use my throat for other things: comedy.

WINNER: Eleanor would have won if it wasn't for Tom's BJ commentary. One for Allen.

 

EC: Sarah Millican. 

TA: He was a bit of a livewire, but what made him a great chat show guest was that you really wanted to talk to him. The fact he was really drunk was really revealing and memorable. But he was a huge internationally known actor, who was a classic tortured performer who couldn't reveal himself without being drunk. It revealed as much about his vulnerability as his drunkenness - like with the This Morning interview with Kerry Katona where she's not really with it and the interviewers are really trying with her, but she's just angry back. 

WINNER: First of all, let's just consider that the contemporaries to Oliver Reed are apparently Sarah Millican and Kerry Katona. Millican doesn't even drink, and Katona has been clean for rather a long time. Still, these are the people we're running with. Winner: Eleanor, I guess. WHAT A POOR ROUND. 

 

EC: Offer it to the audience as an hors d'ouvre. Because they're probably hungry after what's happened so far. 

TA: Every live experience for the audience is about those extraordinary moments that haven't happened before. As a host, you have to go as well, I have to my best to rectify this situation. But firstly I would see that she's okay, and then ask if she wants to take a break, and then see if anyone has any water. And then people in the audience would probably be outraged and so you deal with that. The thing about being a chat show host is you just have to go with it.

WINNER: Tom. Because Eleanor's answer is upsetting.

 

EC: Give her a little cuddle and nuzzle her to my bosom. It's a new martial art I'm pioneering in east London. I have great hopes for it.

TA: I think I have to defend myself without being aggressive. If there's an audience there they're going to get involved, they won't just let a fight happen. I hope that would happen; that's why I have audiences there. You have to let things go in whatever direction they go otherwise it can be so bland. 

WINNER: Tom, for his faith in humankind.

 

EC: What's the name of your plastic surgeon? Or discuss actresses with better personalities than her. And acting skills. 

TA: It would be something positive. The reason Michael Parkinson's interview didn't work was because he wasn't very generous to her. One could say, why does he need to be, but it comes across he's not very supportive, and she's feeling vulnerable. If you're under attack, then you shut down, and that's what she seemed to be doing. You need to do something positive to make someone feel comfortable. If you see Jeremy Paxman he's not really getting answers from his interviews because he's just bombarding them. But Graham Norton, because he's so charming, he gets a lot from his guests. 

WINNER: Tom. LOOK HOW MUCH HE HAS THOUGHT ABOUT THIS.

 

EC: Use the cuddle technique on both of them, while trying to sedate them with...I don't know. This is a conversational cul-de-sac. <the first of several interview breakdowns> Can I come back to this? 

TA: Physically it's entirely unacceptable to have one human being hitting another human being, and as a host you have a lot of responsibility to deal with it, or you're a moron. You wouldn't have people in your house and let one person attack another. So I'd probably get help in restraining her. 

WINNER: Well we forgot to go back and ask this question to Eleanor again. So a tie.

 

EC: I do a very good tap dance. *dances down the phone in the street*

TA: I'm actually a first aider, so I'd be doing that while carrying on the interview with Meg Ryan. Or ask if there's a doctor in the house, because I'd really enjoy doing that, like it was the seventies.

WINNER: Eleanor. DANCING. 

 

EC: My crowd pleaser and potential first wedding dance, which is Ludacris' Area Codes. And Sarah and Meg are making out with each other. 

TA: A series of dance moves that I've made them rehearse to concentrate on to distract them from the music that they hate.

WINNER: Tom. Area Codes is a terrible song.

 

EC: Beyonce or Russell Brand. <being asked to pick one leads to breakdown #2> Okay, Chelsea Handler. She just insults the whole audience. Actually, let's go with Russell Brand. He promises the audience all blowjobs. 

TA: Elton John. Because I've always wanted to be friends with him. Or John Waters, because he's so interesting and open and has so many opinions on different things. You want someone who's genuinely engaged in the world. The best interviews are about bringing out people's quirks, not just talking about how much you like The Only Way Is Essex. 

WINNER: Tom, for his commitment to elderly homosexuals.

 

So! Tom beats Eleanor by a nose to win the inaugural host-off. But in a way, aren't they all winners? (Answer: no. Tom won.) Still, be sure to go and see them both next week for their next chat shows.

See Tom Allen's Society at the Comedy Cafe on Tuesday 29th November, with guests Miles Jupp, Josie Long and Geoff Lloyd off Absolute Radio. Tom's also at the 99 Club in Leicester Square on Saturday 26 November, which you can get two for one tickets for with Dave's Comedy Society.  

See Eleanor Conway's Time of the Month at Concrete on Thursday 1st  December, with guests Tom Allen (HIM AGAIN) and Tom Deacon

Here are some BONUS NORMAL QUESTIONS we asked for the sake of normality, if you want something else to read.

 

EC: Mark Dolan, he was brilliant. Or Chris Cross, the comedy contortionist. He got his arse out, so anything after that was a bonus.

TA: I loved having Margaret Cho and Sarah Millican on. Although one show Pete Bennett off Big Brother didn't turn up so we got someone out of the audience, and she said she was a brain surgeon. So the panel were interviewing her, and the audience were asking about headaches, and it was great. And then she went, I'm not really a brain surgeon, I actually work in IT and used to work in Gregg's. Or Matt Smith, he was very lovely and charming. He's very quirky but generous and enthusiastic – you want people who have opinions and live life to the full.

 

EC: Someone who left me with 200 drunk people in the crowd ten minutes before going on stage. I ended up having to do my tap dancing routine to win them over, and much better than the money we would have spent on the headline act.

TA: Pete Bennett for not turning up. 

 

EC: I genuinely think Chelsea Handler, she's amazing. American comedy types aren't normally that sort of cutting, directness and intelligence thrown in. I don't know why it hasn't really taken off here.

TA: Obviously Graham Norton. And Ellen Degeneres, because her show is so much fun. And David Letterman is an incredible interviewer for switching between the serious and the funny. 

 

EC: The largest tap dance conga line in Shoreditch, it ran through the venue for the next event. 

TA: Having Matt on was quite a massive event. We had to keep it a secret because he gets a difficult time with the press to make sure it was fun.