Comedy news: One the Road: Broadening waistlines with Alexis Dubus

Travel may broaden the mind, but as most circuit comics will tell you, eventually it also broadens the belly. At that working hour occupied by truck-drivers, joke-tellers and serial killers, the pickings are slim when it comes to our dining options. Even the latter of those three needs some salad to go with his brains every now and again.

Unless you're lucky enough to be en route with Paul Foot, who has been known to pack an entire picnic, complete with hamper, the midnight delights on offer to a comedian on the road rarely stretch beyond a packet of service station Monster Munch, a Wimpy (still going!) or a kebab three doors down from the venue you just played, shattering any illusion of showbiz glamour instantly when half the audience walk in, just as you're handed a cardboardy pitta bread packed full of a dogfood-like substance.

To compound this, the sad truth is that often you only just have enough cash to cover this meaty treat, as you await your 'cheque to follow,' which duly follows 2 or 3 months later...

What prompted this midnight snack critique is that I am typing this blog post-gig lying on a hostel bed (look, we shattered that showbiz illusion back at the kebab house) while, for the first time in my life, a little section of my belly is attempting to peak over the laptop resting on my lap.

I've been away from home for 2 months now, playing the Australian festivals, and although the late-night food options are marginally better here (you can always buy a banana from somewhere at 3am), my addiction to the BBQ Pork Bun has now reached such levels that this foodstuff has become breakfast on more than one occasion.

Being situated, as I am, on the corner of Chinatown, these cheeky little parcels of sweet-and-savoury fun also become all-too accessible, 24 hours a day.

I mean we're not talking full-on man-mary glands here, just the beginnings of a paunch. At 31, I guess I can't rely on that inherited fast metabolism anymore, or even running or cycling to or from London gigs. I may genuinely have to consider the packed lunch salad option.

The thing is, I bloody love food.

I especially love the gigs where you’re offered food before going on. Brilliant! “Steak and chips?? Hey, forget the fee” are words I’ve come close to saying, but have fortunately never said. And it’s shocking the number of times I’ve forfeited giving 100% on stage for the sake of shovelling a free curry into my gob 6 minutes before being on that stage.

Everyone’s suffered a food coma at work, I’m sure, but when your work involves being sharp and agile of mind, it really doesn’t help to have your body’s functions wholly diverted to processing a stodgy and hastily-ingested feast.

For all the athletic implications of the word “circuit,” I just want to assure readers that this is far from the truth. The late-night eateries that are effectively our office canteens simply don’t allow for it.

And the thing is, even if I could buy an apple from a service station at 1am, would that be the option I’d genuinely take? If they start making them in Roast Beef flavour, then maybe we have a deal.

Alexis Dubus will be performing two shows at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - Marcel Lucont: Encore at Underbelly, 9.30pm Aug 5-30 (not 18), and Alexis Dubus: A Surprisingly Tasteful Show About Nudity, 5pm, The Tron, Aug 5-30 (not 18).